Vacation Worries

The biggest thing I'm worried about for this vacation is that he wanted to make sure I was taking our car and not our truck because he wants to take the boat out this week. I asked him not to take "HER" on the boat and he said he couldn't promise me that. It is OUR boat. Yes, he put the title in his name and he's the only one that hooks it up and drives it, but I'm the one that researched boat ads for it, found it, convinced him to get it and wrote the check for it out of OUR joint checking account, using OUR money for it. So, it's OUR boat. I really don't want "HER" on it until he pays me 1/2 the value of the boat and then it's truyly HIS boat. It's really hard letting go of everything and it does bother me that he's not taking this vacation with us, and it bothers me that he can't make a simple promise like not taking "HER" on OUR boat. He won't even take me and the girls on it anymore because he can't stand being around me that long. It just hurts.

Gradually though I am getting through this time of hell. I only woke up from nightmares about 4 times last night. I had nightmares about my girls being taken from me, I had dreams and nightmares about him and I and about him and her and even her and I. I just wish my mind would let me sleep at night. Since this whole nightmare began I haven't been able to sleep more than 3 hours a night.


Well, me and the girls are heading to Pennsylvania Sunday evening. We'll be back on Friday or Saturday. I'm really hoping for a good trip. I won't be updating the blogs until we get back. Hopefully I'll have some fun stuff to post for all of you!

Remember, if you want access to the original Regan Update with more details, you just need to give me your email address!

Have a great week everyone!

Mema

Yesterday a.m. my mema (grandma) went to the hospital with chest pains. She thought she was having a heart attack. The tests showed she wasn't. Today she had a heart cath done and again, nothing worth worrying about there. She's going to get more testing done Monday to find out why she's having the pains. I am so thankful it's not her heart. Keep her in your prayers please!

Concert

Last night I went to the Violent Femmes concert with my friend Natalie. We had a really good time. We got the tickets from our friend Michele. She got too sick to go so she offered the tickets to us. It was fun! It was at the Royal Oak Music Theatre. Standing Room only, so our feet were a little sore by the end of it all, but the music was good.

The Last Couple of Days

Well, the last couple of days have been fine. Brian has been cordial and polite again. He had a big fit at me on Sunday night, but since then he's been cordial and polite. On our anniversary (yesterday) he didn't go out to his girlfriend's after work (as far as I could tell) because he was home by 11:00. It did make me feel better to know that. I went to bed early so there wasn't a lot of interaction.

Today after physical therapy I went grocery shopping while Brian was still home. Our sale sign came in the mail and I put that up. It made me really sad to do that. Brianna was playing really nicely with her cousin that comes over twice a week. All of a sudden she runs into the house crying and completely unconsolable. She was yelling about not knowing we were moving so soon, the divorce isn't done, etc. I had to explain that it takes a while to sell the house and we have to try to sell it before the divorce is done etc. She then helped me clean up a couple rooms and take pictures to add to our online ad. Then she went to clean the basement up and came up crying that Kyle and Ella were messing it up. She was again just unconsolable. After she calmed down she tried to play a board game with Kyle and then when he didn't follow a rule she broke down again. She kept saying "I don't know why I can't stop crying". Then she locked herself in her room with her shade down and played her DVD player for a couple hours. I did call a counselor and they now have to run all the insurance and they'll call me back in a couple days to schedule an appointment. She's been so upset lately and unable to put it into words, so I really hope counseling can get her to talk about it. It was just breaking my heart to see her so sad today.

Now, she's out of her room and holding it together a bit. She called her dad to chat for a minute and she seems to feel better for now.

I'm glad Brian's being nicer to me. But, I still think he's planning to make the divorce as expensive as possible. My lawyers had to sopoena his documents. I'm not sure how much that's costing me. I really hope once a request for division of assets is put together that he'll agree quickly to it. I don't want to go to court. I don't want this to be so ugly. I really think if we both try, it can be amicable. I keep holding on to that, and I keep trying my best to be as nice as I can. Although he feels that I'm up to something by being nice. I'm not. I just want to be nice to each other, and I want this divorce done quickly and fairly. These kids deserve to have parents that get along.

My Birthday

The day of my birthday was relatively good. The things I originally planned to do with my kids didn't work out, but we had fun anyway. The three of us swam in our pool for the first time this season. Brian didn't come home right away from his trip up north for the wedding. He stopped at his girlfriend's first, so I dropped the kids off at my grandma's for the night. The girls have really been wanting a sleepover there and this was the perfect opportunity because I was able to go out with my sister and friend Kim for dinner. Dawn left after dinner and then I hung out with Kim and stuff.

When I got home Brian was just livid because the girls weren't here. He was so upset with me. I explained that he should've put the girls first over his relationship and he would have been home to see them before I dropped them at my grandma's. He hadn't given me a time that he would be home, when I had asked, so since I didn't know when to expect him, off to my grandma's they went. I really couldn't understand why he was so mad. I have been really working hard now at being friendly and cooperative. He's having his sleepovers at least 5 nights a week now and I haven't been giving him a hard time. He comes home in the mornings to babysit the kids and take a shower before work. This gives me time to go to my physical therapy appointments without having to hire a babysitter. He told me he doesn't want to cooperate with me for the divorce any longer, but I really hope that that was just out of his anger.

Today (the 9th) I put the house up for sale on owners.com and craig's list. A sale sign is supposed to come in a week. I also started requesting things I need for the divorce, like my credit card statements. I'm going to be as cooperative as possible. Might as well try to save money and get this divorce over with.

After that, my friend Amy Lee (awesome saxaphone player, if you ever get the chance to hear her she plays at the casinos in Detroit most weekends with Sirieux), picked me up. We then picked up Michele Fernandes and they treated me to the most terrific dinner at a restaurant in Royal Oak. I think it was called D'Amatos. EXCELLENT! They made me get the filet mignon. I also had a great salad and two terrific martinis! The server then treated me to a tirimisu which I shared, and the chef sent out a strawberry sorbet because my steak had to be redone (not really but my friends insisted!) The server was terrific, the food was terrific, and I had a terrific time with two of my most terrific friends!

Then I came home to my two lovely daughters that had been hanging out with my mom swimming. The girls are awesome.

Tomorrow's my wedding anniversary, and that sucks quite frankly. But, I'll get through it like I've been getting through all my other days.

I just thank God daily for my awesome friends and family. I can't say it enough: I LOVE YOU ALL!

The house is up for sale

Well, I created the house flyers on owners.com. It's also posted on Craig's list. Here's the link. Let me know what you think! The sign will come in the mail in about a week and then it will be out front.

www.owners.com/DAG5336

The Day Before My Birthday

Yesterday Brian and I had a fight and then he headed off to Torch Lake for a wedding. That was fine. I ended up having the best night sleep since he first told me he wanted a divorce. Something about him not being at a sleepover with his girlfriend makes my mind rest and sleep. When he's in town and at his sleepovers, my mind stays up the entire night until he comes home. Some days I think it would be so much easier if he would just move out, but he won't. So, until the house gets put up for sale and it finally sells, I'll just be full of sleepless nights. Anyway, it was nice to sleep well for a change. Even my kids slept really well. There were no screams or shouts in the night last night!

This evening my mom hired my niece Sabrina to babysit so she could take me out. We got manicures and pedicures, dinner at Red Lobster and we went to see the movie Knocked Up. Of course it was my first time going to Red Lobster since Brian told me about the divorce and he and I have had many birthday dinners and just regular dinner dates there over the years. I read somewhere that the first time I go somewhere without him is the hardest and it will get easier in time, so I chose the restaurant. It's always been one of my favorites since before I knew him. I was a bit sad, but I guess that comes with the territory.

Tomorrow (or today since it is 12:19 a.m.) is my birthday. I am going to spend the morning time with my girls and then in the evening I"m going out with my sister Dawn and my friend Kim. I hope I can keep up my happy face! It's my first birthday in 17 years without Brian. But again, the first is the hardest, so it should be better from hear on out!

Today I feel...

Today I feel ok. I met with my lawyer yesterday and filed the counter complaint. I am now ready to proceed with the divorce. I tried to speak with Brian about being more cooperative, but he has so many pent up emotions that he can't even discuss it. I picked up some For Sale By Owner papers from the credit union today. I really want to get moving on the sale of the house, but Brian needs to "think about it". I'm not sure what there is to think about. The sooner it's up, the sooner it sells. I can't just accept any old offer without his consent, so it's not like I can pull something on him. I asked if I could put the boat up. Two weeks ago when I found out about his adultery he said I could have the boat, now he says maybe he wants it. He just keeps playing games that are going to cost money. If he wants it, fine, then I'll ask for 1/2 the value in the divorce judgment. If he doesn't want it, fine, let's sell it and split the profit. I mean, we did buy it together after all. It's not just HIS boat. But he keeps saying to put everything through the lawyers. That's too much money spent! He needs to make up his mind if he wants it or not. Anyway, he's gone out of town to a friend's wedding. I was invited but he told me I couldn't go with him. I would have like to see these people one more time. I really like the parents, Larry and Mary Ann, and the groom Joel and his brother Steve, stood up in our wedding. It would have been nice, but I guess to much for Brian to handle being near me that long.

I'm feeling pretty good because I've come to peace with knowing the marriage is pretty dead. There will be no reviving this one. Now I just want to sell this house and move out. Hopefully after spending a weekend with his friends, he'll decide to let me put it up.

Today's my dad's birthday! Happy Birthday Dad! Love you!

My birthday is in two days. I can't believe I'm going to be 34! Tonight I'm celebrating my birthday at my in-laws. They invited me over to celebrate. I'm really happy they aren't letting go of me because of this divorce. I really hope when things are all said and done that we'll be able to get along.

Happy Fourth of July

In the big picture, today was a good day. Me and my girls, or as Brian so recently emphasized OUR girls, went to my dad's and stepmom's to celebrate the Fourth of July. My dad, Dee, me, Brianna, Ella, my sister Sandi, and her boyfriend Matt, my sister Dawn, her husband Johnnie, their kids Felicia, Christopher and Adrianna, my sister Tina, and my stepmom's friend, her husband and their daughter were there. We had a really nice bbq dinner with salad, cheesy potatoes and more. When it was dark Dawn and Johnnie put on a fireworks show for us. The kids got to do sparklers too. The neighbors were putting off those fireworks in the sky. It was all pretty nice.

I've come to terms with the marriage being definitely over. I'm ready to get it done as soon as possible. I am hoping Brian will cooperate. He still thinks I am acting out of line, so I am not sure how cooperative he'll be. For the sake of the kids, I hope he'll come around. I still don't think he's a bad guy. I think he's lost his way, so I keep praying for him. But, I do know that we are not meant to be together forever like I really had believed. That makes me sad, but I am determined to move on in my life.

I hope everyone had a Happy Fourth!

Time With My Girls

Yesterday was a pretty good day with my kids. After we were all cleaned up and ready to leave, we went to see Ratatoullie (spelling?) The girls enjoyed it. It was a cute cartoon. Then we came home and my mom came for a visit. After Ella was in bed Brianna and I played Guess Where and Monopoly Jr. Brian was here doing laundry and declined to play the games with us because he said "Three's a crowd". Brianna was a bit upset, but we had fun playing anyway. I am noticing Brianna has been having quite a few emotional outbursts lately. I'm not sure if she's just slipping back because of summer being so unstructured or if her mind is on our divorce. She says she just has so much in her mind and doesn't want to talk about it. So, I have been trying to just love on her as much as I can. Unfortunately Brian decided that he won't put the house into his name so that me and the girls can choose one of these low priced houses available right now. That means we have to keep living in these uncomfortable circumstances where he comes and goes as he pleases and we have to put up with his moods as he pleases. So, now comes the task of selling the home when I don't have the energy or ambition to clean it up for sale. I asked Brian to pick up the For Sale By Owner packet at the credit union so I'll read through it this weekend. We can ask about $10,000 less to do it by owner, so we'll see how it goes.

Today with my girls we'll be heading out to my dad's house for the 4th of July. The kids will enjoy it.

A good day

Today was a good day. I slept well. Then, I got up and went to physical therapy. When I got home Brian was kinder when he spoke to me. The girls and I played games and then I took them to my grandparents while I went to the lawyer. I had a nice dinner and movie with my friend Kim. Then we went home and went to bed.

Yesterday

I had a pretty nice day yesterday, considering the fact that I am experiencing a divorce that is turning its ugly head. I worked on the pool in the backyard, I took the girls to Chuck E. Cheese's, and then hung out at my sister's for awhile. All in all, it was a good day.